JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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