Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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