I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
