We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
