If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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