After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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