Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
