I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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