I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The convent might be a nice break from real life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
