You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
