tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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