I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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