we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
