i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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