i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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