Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
