my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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