you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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