he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's shark week go big or go home
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
