Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
