Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
