frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Congratulations! We have a period
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
