My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
