Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
