How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
