just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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