He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My dick has a subreddit
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
