I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
