he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
