but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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