i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
