Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
