Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
