I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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