census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
