just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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