woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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