mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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