i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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