when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
