if i can run in heels then i can drive
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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