Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
