I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I would fuck him just for his dog
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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