those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
