i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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