Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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