awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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