By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
