I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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