I wish I could teleport
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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