It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
