Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well I just put wine in my tea
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
