You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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