I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
it glows. i had to have it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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