i would punch a child for taco bell
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
