if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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