oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
honey bunches of taint.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
