break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
