Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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