My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
