I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
