you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
