Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
